I have been as far as the title for this post no less than a dozen times.
Wondering if I should really write my story. Wondering if it really matters….Who’s gonna judge? Who really cares?
Finally I just had to stick it out and write it…if for no one else but myself. If there is one thing I have learned..It’s that people are going to criticize you no matter what..so you might as well BE.YOU.
On December 16th I wrote a tiny post saying I was going on a hiatus from the business…several people reached out immediately with heart felt messages. I said I was taking time to focus on myself first and my family was a close second.
Half way through 2011 I suffered from depression and anxiety. I have never before experienced anything like it. 2011 was rough for me and yet there was no time to stop and fix it. I was overbooked and overwhelmed in life and with the business. Looking back, I can say my world turned upside down around July and I didn’t try to get help until late October, which only made things worse. 2011 for me was full of ups and downs. My brother and I didn’t speak the entire year, we bought a house, I got rid of the Studio, lost a friendship to one of my best friends for more than 15 years, moving, dealing with a certain bank on purchasing the home was nothing short of a disaster {no wonder the economy is like it is}, being the nice girl and bad girl for the business can and will drive you crazy. I was dealing with some issues in my body that I could not get under control. We started eating out a lot, I gained weight, was staring at a computer screen for hours on end with work, putting my kids off, I was not living in the moment, felt like I was on auto pilot….not at all how I want to live my life. I was doing everything and not.at.all how I wanted to do anything.
I remember I was driving on my way to pick up the kids from school and I had to pull over because I just started crying for no reason. At that moment I knew it was time to get help….and get help fast. SO I called the Dr. She got me in immediately…She asked what was wrong? I again started crying and telling her, business is great, my husband is a God send and my kids are awesome, just bought the house of our dreams….but yet I was crying as I said all of this. That is the most puzzling part of depression. There is no clear reason why you feel like you do and if you try to understand it…it just makes you more crazy. Let alone trying to describe it to someone who has never dealt it. You feel like an idiot! So she prescribed a couple of pills {that we both agreed was temporary} and I was on my way. I told her I was completely against being on anything long term, but felt I needed something to help get past the worst of it. I thought all my problems would be solved with a glass of water and a pill. Well boy was I wrong!! The one pill did nothing the other gave me crazy side effects. You have to give the pills 6- 9 weeks to see a change…for anyone who has never been through this, 6-9 weeks can feel like 6 years waiting for some relief. I called her back and she switched pills…same thing, crazy side effects. At that moment I knew the best thing was for me to stop and take time out and get healthy the natural way. This took a lot of time, soul searching and admitting that I can’t do it all, all the time.
I would call my friend who has been through this and I can remember saying “I just want to feel F***ing normal…when will I feel normal again?” {pardon, my language!}There were many of times I felt as if I could drive off the edge of the Earth….. That way, I or anyone else would not have to deal with it anymore. It’s the worst feeling ever and I kept this a secret from everyone {except for Sam} for a couple of months for fear of what people would think. As it turns out, when I did start telling a few people about it…some understood completely, others did judge me for going to the Dr and getting on prescription medications. I had some friendships only get stronger and some “friends” distant themselves. Because you know…they are perfect, I guess. I’m ok….because life is too short to be spent with people who don’t love me for me.
I can now say I’m not on any prescription medications and have not been in months. I’m only taking natural supplements and while I would not dare say I’m back at 100%….I’m a far better person than I was then and I think it’s safe to say a different person for having gone through it. I still have days…don’t we all. I didn’t write this for pity or sympathy rather to explain the hiatus and let you know that I’m good. As for Sarah Wellmeier Photography…well I would like to say, but I think for now I will leave that for another blog post. It’s scary thinking of coming back in full force and going back to where I came from. So I’m sure I will ease into it, with some changes and see how things go. That whole balancing act is harder than you think. I also have other things I want to do…so figuring it all out takes time. Thanks for understanding and being patient.
no comments